Never heard compliments from parents

I have never heard a body's compliment from my parents . The first time I need a bra, she drove me to a mall and bought a bra (first price).
I didn't know what was a compliment, I knew at school I wasn't wise because I used to talk to my buddy beside me. Early I heard it wasn't good being talkative, and I was looking for images (gift to wise kids). But I stayed talkative.
One day we joined my uncle (D), who owned a house, and a buddy of my uncle said to my father "she's looking lovely Fran, she'll be a nice girl", Daddy stayed quiet as ever.
Later I was inside the house. My uncle obtained (I don't know how he got it !!!hmmm) a pack of clothes, and I tried to look for a shirt. Removing my tee shirt, my mother said "look her breast, she'll have same nipples as her grand-mother, it sucks", and my aunt said "yes she will, but those kind of breasts are the most beautiful". I watched her smiling, and my mother pursued "oh no, they are not too beautiful, and she still look like her fucking grandmother". I did trust my mother, so I said to myself "mom is right, I'll be ugly, and I'll have same breast as my fucking grand mother).
I used to see my father and mother naked, and I felt jealous of my mother's breast. She has italian origins, and I wanted to have same hair, as her, but nothing more.
My father's uncle told one day "Fran... is tall, she should go to Paris and be a dancer for Cabarets(Moulin Rouge, for exemple)". No one replied to this compliment.
But I did hear these compliments. It stayed quiet on mind, until 2004 when I realized I had a body.One day before their divorce, I heard from my mother "we are proud of you and your brother, because you're both smart", I didn't care, I wanted to hear "you look good", no she did not.
From 2003 most of my money is for my bras or dresses, I prefer wearing a nice dress than eating too much.

My identity

I have never heard about the fact my mother had sex with another man than my father. When my parents divorced, I didn't keep in touch with my mother who prefered going to Paris meeting my brother than staying with me (my first dog passed away while her divorce, he got an enormous tumor destroying his sinus and face.) . She said she loved the dog, but going to Paris was too much funny. We used to drive her all over the Provence region, and she didn't like staying with me. Once we went in a famous south of France's place, and when I saw her face, closed, no smile, I said "ok, we return back home, now, don't you prefer ?". In the car, she shaked my hand very strongly, it was a message "I can't love you, I try but I can't".
I had a puzzle on hands and I had to know the problem, not only the abuses. I was born with a lot of hump, my father doesn't have so many humps on him, my uncle does.
And the behavior of my father made me think there was a problem with my identity.
I mean they didn't pay my studies, they didn't care when I had a stroke. So why don't they love me ?
I have never killed someone, and I have never lied to them, until their divorce, I didn't understand.
One day, I remind perfectly, I was talking about headaches, and my mother said "your father too suffered of headache, when he was younger", some days after I talked about headaches to my father and he said "No I haven't suffered of headache".
Later he said "yes I have suffered of headache in past".
I was as much naive than I couldn't ask to myself some question, the fact that my father could be another man couldn't be on my mind. Why ? Because two of us look like each other.
My parents get married on 69 and I was born on 71. I have read letters of my mother to my father where she wrote "she hates D my uncle", it was on 68 69...So what did happen really ?
I guess she felt love in with him, because he was not as much rude as my father, he was more rich too, and more smart. They had sex on august, and she denied she was pregnant, she told me how much I have tried to kill her when I came on this planet ... I spent my childhood with the bad grand mother, I didn't stay in school for too long as early as I learnt to write and read french language. So I felt guilt. I learnt to hate my uncle, his wife and my cousins (step sister). My mother was cruel, telling me "you look like D, you're ugly""D looks like his mother, he's ugly, dirty, and a son of a bitch".
On 93 I met my grand mother to take a book. I met my cousin (step sister) I was with a friend of mine, and I was very confused to meet this little girl, who looked like myself when I was 7.
Now where I'm living I have a cousin a man of 36 years old, he's living near my flat 500m. I have met his mother who said only "Hello" to me and ran away like I was a ghost. I have tried to contact my cousin, but no way!
And we spent a lot of time together, he was my first crush.
I know I won't hear the truth, I can only deal with my intuition and facts (my uncle and mother talked to much both staying away from others...weird no ? She said she hates him, but she liked talking to him").DNA tests ? no way, I won't contact my uncle, they all we say that I'm mad.
So I'm proud of my humps.

For french people, there is a very good article in "Marie Claire", of July 2008, a personal story.

Marion my one true friend

I met her repeating my last class , honestly I met her to Paris when for the first time of my life, my parents allowed me to go there with school, we met each other on June 86, it was a trip with all classes, but hopefully, students who sucked weren't there except Sebastien.
We were in a bus, I stayed beside the one who told to everyone about my pants (cf my post about Wet), but I had plans, I didn't want to stay with her all trip long. When we arrived to Paris, there were people from Brazil, and french, (because of football) it's my best memory of humanity, because brazilians are more human than other people on this planet. Everyone laught, said "Hello", and I realized , that Sebastien was beside me in the bus and he left when I saw him.
When we joined the hotel, I had to share the bedroom with 2 girls I didn't like, so I spent a lot of time in the bathroom, because the bath was comfortable, and I took my time. When I joined the girls, a boy was runing in the hotel screaming because a girl wanted to kiss him and she had a knife in her hands. I laughed, because I couldn't believe it, people are often paranoid, and my "lovely" pal told me, "you'll be with this girl next year..." she was for once right.
I didn't like too much Marion because she was like glue with me, I believed she was lesbian.
We spent time both, visiting The Louvre museum. Paris is a wonderful town in France, for tourists :).
Then we returned back home 4 days later, my head full of life, smiles, fun, et cetera.
On september, I was with Marion in the same student class. And for the 86's picture she was beside me her hand on my shoulder.
Sophie was with us too, she was a silly girl, we shared a lot of things, we were a band in the class, I helped Marion and Sophie. They were my true friends!
For once in my life, I had real friends, Marion stayed often at home, her mother was rude, and she thought mine was better ... It wasn't important, because I liked her.
But on 87 my father was kick out of his job. And he stayed at home all days long, angry, drinking, and because he had friends he found a job in another place, so we moved to Digne.
Too sad, my friends stayed there, my parents sold their house, and we left.
I missed Marion so we shared letters, and I called her any weekend, because the cab phone closed to my grand parent's home was free. I swear, the cab phone helped me to keep contact with Marion, I called her for 2 or 3 hours with 1Franc (old french money=€ 1/7 ) .
It was always funny. but on 88 my grand-father passed away from cancer, and we moved again, joining Sisteron.
When we lived to Digne, I have met a lot of pals, I wasn't too much at home, because my mother was despressed and she was rude, one day she robed my books, I used to read too much and she took my books for their book case's.
I was again living a platonic love story with a boy who studying for being graduated, he was as much shy as me...so nothing happened ,
One time, on a party, I was watching him, we were dancing (not together) and another student, a gorgeous one, kissed my neck taking my hand for leaving with him, a buddy told me "go on", I said "no", because I was watching L, who was watching me. But I regreat it.
I kept Marion in touch, writing her, but when I moved to Sisteron, I changed, I was missing my grand-father, and I felt Marion lied to me, I knew she was as much mythomaniac as my brother, she lied more and more. We went to a discotheque both on the end of 89, and it was the last time we really met.
On 90's I wrote her, telling our friendship was over, I wrote a long letter, and I received her answer quickly, she was angry.
I returned living to Aix, for my studies, and some years later on 97 I met her in a mall she was a cashier, we didn't talk, but she recognized me. I found her on the white pages, I called her, and she told me her life, I didn't trust her anymore. We decided to meet again, but I called again her two days later, just to say "no I won't meet you again, I have changed, we can't be friend anymore". I know my behavior was stupid, but I was unemployed, alone most of the time, I have screwed up my studies because I had to work for paying these studies. And almost all, i didn't want to return in past.

But I must admit Marion was a good friend, my one best friend for years.

Sophie left the region and get married with a Parisian, I have never heard about her anymore.

Una giornata particulare

I don't know if most of you remind this old movie with Marcello Mastroianni, and Sofia Loren...Well This is not important, I have lived a particular day, on morning, I felt very nervous and despressed. As usual I took pills and Laurent told me things I had to hear . Indeed !

That was rude, but I realized I was screwing up my life with my guilt, and I have decided to stop pills FOREVER.
Well, I have to stop these pills with caution,

And I feel angry tonight, I wanna change,
If a victim reads this, Scream your pain, do not feel guilt, because you're not a sheep, we have to live...

Wet.

We were on June 1985, I was 14 y old, at a drawing class, I felt my panties were wet, I had a pal beside me who started to laugh thinking I have peed in my pants. She was wrong. I went out with her and I went to the toilets, it was break time, and I thought I could do something, because I weared white pants. But I couldn't, I heard few girls entered in the girl toilet's and they were speaking to me laughing, "you have peed in your pants, F! you're really stupid...blah blah blah" and there was in this band a girl who hated me (I didn't know why...) she was knowking at my closed door, which I didn't open of course, I went up on the WC because I didn't want that they discovered me in this WC, but they saw my bag, and they weren't sure I was inside...They were laughing and screaming my name.I stayed quiet in the WC just hoping that the break school was done, I felt very angry, because of them.I wet and it was not because of someone, I didn't understand. They stayed 5 minutes again after the end of the break wishing I was scared to be late at class, but I didn't care, I stayed there and they left...I stayed 5 minutes again, because there were windows every where in these class rooms. Then I decided to go back home, even if I had lessons, I really didn't care, I was humiliated, I went out, and I crossed the School Director, I was crying hiking, but she didn't mind, victims weren't important there, a boy attempted suicide there, hopefully he didn't success, but it wasn't important for people there.
I took the direction way because the doors were opened, and I hiked for 6 km for returning back home.
I said nothing to my mother, I felt very alone.
It was the fist time I was wet, and I hated myself.
After the weekend I went back school but when they tried to tease me with this event, I said "I wasn't in the toilets, you are really stupid all, I had a stomach problem and I returned back home".
Finally they felt they were wrong, but I kept on mind the fact they spent a break making a fool on me.
The girl who hated me had Italian or corsican origins, she had black eyes, very dark, and I took long years for understanding why she hated me.
The reason of that :
When I started this new school (my parents moved too much) there was a boy, very funny, Italian origins, older than me, and i wanted to flirt with him, I told this to a pal, and of course he heard it, and everyone in this school heard it, a lot of girls used to hate me all school year long because a lot of girls had a crush on him.
I never flirted with him, but I know he was attracted to me, because the first time I met him he was going out of a class screaming "screw you'" to his teacher, and I laughed because it was a special situation. He smiled seeing me.
Sébastien repeated his school year and I was in his class room for italian language. Most of boys annoyed me and he was enough smart to tell to everybody I was in love with him. But one year after my humiliation, I felt stronger, and nothing could break me down.
In same time I spent my break time with another boy who looked very lovely, Christophe, and we used to talk together while the break. As he was not loved by people I was the one talking to him, and we used to laugh together.
I did understand, thinking of these facts, 3 years ago, that one girl repeated everything to the school students, she was my neighborg but she was jealous of me, I wasn't as fat as her, and my pal from drawing class wasn't a friend, but a jealous bitch too.
I repeated too for these reasons my last school year, and I met 2 girls which I spent all my year, going out, laughing, living as ever, boys were very pleasant with me, except a big one.
And I used my time helping students in Mathematic's or Sciences, I was the first one, at school and and I had success the diploma while the first year, I felt really cool on this year.
But the big one annoyed me all year long, I'll tell you later, this post is too longer ...

Mother's birthday

On mother's birthday, my father asked me to buy the presents for my mother...you gonna laugh ; one year, he told me to buy some Roses and I bought a rose bush. I thought it was more interesting and beautiful to have a plant than some flowers that would die quickly.My friends from childhood were numerous, I prefered talking to boys, it's difficult when you're taller than a whole school class to have some female friends..I used to spend time with boys, I played Tennis and Football, now I can't watch anymore a football game, because I find this sport very stupid.
So my friend William, helped me and brought the rose bush, my mother was shocked and later I heard how much I was stupid, a rose bush couldn't grow up on a balcony...
Another year, my father asked me to buy 2 decorate plates for her birthday ...I went in Aix, alone, of course, and he had to drive me back at home, I just had to call him at work. And I had to wait his car around the Rotonde Fountain, I was 12 years old, I bought the plates, I felt glad for my mother, I took my money in my wallet offered by my grand father.
I went to a phone cab, and I called him, he told me he'll come later, because he had a lot of work.
I realized after few minutes that I have forgotten my wallet in the cab, I returned there but there were 2 girls laughing watching me because of my big teeth, I asked them if they had find my wallet, they said "No!" .
I didn't care of the money, but about my wallet because the one man who really loved me offered me a lot of presents anytime I met him and these gifts were really precious ...to me...
Then I joined my father later, hopefully a man in a shop gave me a water bottle, because I was thirsty, and my mother received her present, anyway she didn't mind about things I did choose (remind the rose bush !).

Terrible secret on WW2

Two days ago I have watched a show about jews massacre in Ukraine. On 1941, most of Jews were parked to Ukraine, and SS killed them in mass, diging pits every where in Ukraine, there are again some witnesses, but most of them don't want to talk about that, or they cultive their garden on these cimeteries...
Few of them talked to a french religious, who made a lot of researches, by there, they cry talking about that. In Ukraine, SS killed about 1 500 000 to 1 800 000 jews (men, women and children); sometimes they killed Ukrainians, only with guns, and Himmler came there but didn't want to see thet massacres and sayed " killking people with guns is not the good solution, we should use gas trucks..

Holocaust by bullets,
History forgotten

Exhibits Conviction No. 65

A film by Roman Icard
Production at Mano Mano
With the participation of France 3 and CNC
Comment by Anouk Grinberg

In the final solution, it was believed to know everything. It was believed that our history books, at school, were complete, accurate. The deportations, concentration camps, extermination of more than 6 million Jews by the Nazis.

However, a french priest, Father Patrick Desbois, has been active for seven years to restore the truth, buried in the earth of Eastern Europe. A tragedy forgotten and hidden behind the Iron Curtain for decades.
In the former Soviet Union during the Second World War, the SS commandos, Einzatsgruppen, have coordinated the assassination shot, "a ball, a Jew, or by burying them alive, of 1500 1800000 and 000 Jews, Ukraine alone.

A genocide without gas chamber, without camp. The Holocaust by bullets.

On June 22, 1941, Nazi Germany attacked the Soviet Union in the triple aim of ensuring a colonial to the east, to eradicate communism and to exterminate the Jews. In the wake of military operations, the Einsatzgruppen have played a role in remaining behind the front lines.

Their mission is ideological: it is to coordinate the extermination of all Jews areas conquered by the Wehrmacht. These first few months of genocide are the beginnings of what will become, throughout Europe, the Final Solution. Not Hitler there is no thought earlier, but his hatred of communism and the Jewish religion will create an explosion of violence unprecedented. The Einsatzgruppen were the masters work of the mass extermination of the Jews. In the East, Jews were slaughtered with firearms. One after another. Or buried alive.

Today, what appears to historians as the "Final Solution" to the east is largely unknown. Data are scarce and the general public for whom the extermination of the Jews began with the concentration camps and gas chambers sinister did so to speak, never heard. This is the work of Father Patrick Desbois to return today on this terrible page of history, in a pan of genocide too long forgotten, where between 1550 000 and 1800 000 and half of Jews lost their lives.
Source

The Taxi driver

About two days, I'll meet my therapist. I called her yesterday and she undersands why I made "un acte manqué". Two weeks ago I was gone to meet her, but I was not right about hour...
I want to tell you a story what happened to me on 2004. I was in Marseille with my old dog Magnus, I did love too much, and the vet told me he got cancer and he had one month or 2 more to live. I was alone with the dog, so I went to my mother's flat, she was away, I gave milk to Magnus I called Laurent to tell him the sad news, and he adviced me to take a taxi. I took a taxi, the man accepted dogs in his car, and it was rare. On the road, we talked about dogs, for sure, because Magnus tried to kiss him, it was funny to see that. This man had dogs too, and he loves dogs.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to save my dog from cancer, I felt very sad, but this man Pascal was the right man at the right moment, we talked more than one hour and when we arrived at home, we stayed in the car for a while taking again and again. He gave me his phone number, he was attractive, and he left because I couldn't say "come on for a drink", I have never see him again. But I remember exactly every minute every second in his car and I remind his face.