Thursday, June 19, 2008

My identity

I have never heard about the fact my mother had sex with another man than my father. When my parents divorced, I didn't keep in touch with my mother who prefered going to Paris meeting my brother than staying with me (my first dog passed away while her divorce, he got an enormous tumor destroying his sinus and face.) . She said she loved the dog, but going to Paris was too much funny. We used to drive her all over the Provence region, and she didn't like staying with me. Once we went in a famous south of France's place, and when I saw her face, closed, no smile, I said "ok, we return back home, now, don't you prefer ?". In the car, she shaked my hand very strongly, it was a message "I can't love you, I try but I can't".
I had a puzzle on hands and I had to know the problem, not only the abuses. I was born with a lot of hump, my father doesn't have so many humps on him, my uncle does.
And the behavior of my father made me think there was a problem with my identity.
I mean they didn't pay my studies, they didn't care when I had a stroke. So why don't they love me ?
I have never killed someone, and I have never lied to them, until their divorce, I didn't understand.
One day, I remind perfectly, I was talking about headaches, and my mother said "your father too suffered of headache, when he was younger", some days after I talked about headaches to my father and he said "No I haven't suffered of headache".
Later he said "yes I have suffered of headache in past".
I was as much naive than I couldn't ask to myself some question, the fact that my father could be another man couldn't be on my mind. Why ? Because two of us look like each other.
My parents get married on 69 and I was born on 71. I have read letters of my mother to my father where she wrote "she hates D my uncle", it was on 68 69...So what did happen really ?
I guess she felt love in with him, because he was not as much rude as my father, he was more rich too, and more smart. They had sex on august, and she denied she was pregnant, she told me how much I have tried to kill her when I came on this planet ... I spent my childhood with the bad grand mother, I didn't stay in school for too long as early as I learnt to write and read french language. So I felt guilt. I learnt to hate my uncle, his wife and my cousins (step sister). My mother was cruel, telling me "you look like D, you're ugly""D looks like his mother, he's ugly, dirty, and a son of a bitch".
On 93 I met my grand mother to take a book. I met my cousin (step sister) I was with a friend of mine, and I was very confused to meet this little girl, who looked like myself when I was 7.
Now where I'm living I have a cousin a man of 36 years old, he's living near my flat 500m. I have met his mother who said only "Hello" to me and ran away like I was a ghost. I have tried to contact my cousin, but no way!
And we spent a lot of time together, he was my first crush.
I know I won't hear the truth, I can only deal with my intuition and facts (my uncle and mother talked to much both staying away from others...weird no ? She said she hates him, but she liked talking to him").DNA tests ? no way, I won't contact my uncle, they all we say that I'm mad.
So I'm proud of my humps.

For french people, there is a very good article in "Marie Claire", of July 2008, a personal story.