My identity

I have never heard about the fact my mother had sex with another man than my father. When my parents divorced, I didn't keep in touch with my mother who prefered going to Paris meeting my brother than staying with me (my first dog passed away while her divorce, he got an enormous tumor destroying his sinus and face.) . She said she loved the dog, but going to Paris was too much funny. We used to drive her all over the Provence region, and she didn't like staying with me. Once we went in a famous south of France's place, and when I saw her face, closed, no smile, I said "ok, we return back home, now, don't you prefer ?". In the car, she shaked my hand very strongly, it was a message "I can't love you, I try but I can't".
I had a puzzle on hands and I had to know the problem, not only the abuses. I was born with a lot of hump, my father doesn't have so many humps on him, my uncle does.
And the behavior of my father made me think there was a problem with my identity.
I mean they didn't pay my studies, they didn't care when I had a stroke. So why don't they love me ?
I have never killed someone, and I have never lied to them, until their divorce, I didn't understand.
One day, I remind perfectly, I was talking about headaches, and my mother said "your father too suffered of headache, when he was younger", some days after I talked about headaches to my father and he said "No I haven't suffered of headache".
Later he said "yes I have suffered of headache in past".
I was as much naive than I couldn't ask to myself some question, the fact that my father could be another man couldn't be on my mind. Why ? Because two of us look like each other.
My parents get married on 69 and I was born on 71. I have read letters of my mother to my father where she wrote "she hates D my uncle", it was on 68 69...So what did happen really ?
I guess she felt love in with him, because he was not as much rude as my father, he was more rich too, and more smart. They had sex on august, and she denied she was pregnant, she told me how much I have tried to kill her when I came on this planet ... I spent my childhood with the bad grand mother, I didn't stay in school for too long as early as I learnt to write and read french language. So I felt guilt. I learnt to hate my uncle, his wife and my cousins (step sister). My mother was cruel, telling me "you look like D, you're ugly""D looks like his mother, he's ugly, dirty, and a son of a bitch".
On 93 I met my grand mother to take a book. I met my cousin (step sister) I was with a friend of mine, and I was very confused to meet this little girl, who looked like myself when I was 7.
Now where I'm living I have a cousin a man of 36 years old, he's living near my flat 500m. I have met his mother who said only "Hello" to me and ran away like I was a ghost. I have tried to contact my cousin, but no way!
And we spent a lot of time together, he was my first crush.
I know I won't hear the truth, I can only deal with my intuition and facts (my uncle and mother talked to much both staying away from others...weird no ? She said she hates him, but she liked talking to him").DNA tests ? no way, I won't contact my uncle, they all we say that I'm mad.
So I'm proud of my humps.

For french people, there is a very good article in "Marie Claire", of July 2008, a personal story.

Wet.

We were on June 1985, I was 14 y old, at a drawing class, I felt my panties were wet, I had a pal beside me who started to laugh thinking I have peed in my pants. She was wrong. I went out with her and I went to the toilets, it was break time, and I thought I could do something, because I weared white pants. But I couldn't, I heard few girls entered in the girl toilet's and they were speaking to me laughing, "you have peed in your pants, F! you're really stupid...blah blah blah" and there was in this band a girl who hated me (I didn't know why...) she was knowking at my closed door, which I didn't open of course, I went up on the WC because I didn't want that they discovered me in this WC, but they saw my bag, and they weren't sure I was inside...They were laughing and screaming my name.I stayed quiet in the WC just hoping that the break school was done, I felt very angry, because of them.I wet and it was not because of someone, I didn't understand. They stayed 5 minutes again after the end of the break wishing I was scared to be late at class, but I didn't care, I stayed there and they left...I stayed 5 minutes again, because there were windows every where in these class rooms. Then I decided to go back home, even if I had lessons, I really didn't care, I was humiliated, I went out, and I crossed the School Director, I was crying hiking, but she didn't mind, victims weren't important there, a boy attempted suicide there, hopefully he didn't success, but it wasn't important for people there.
I took the direction way because the doors were opened, and I hiked for 6 km for returning back home.
I said nothing to my mother, I felt very alone.
It was the fist time I was wet, and I hated myself.
After the weekend I went back school but when they tried to tease me with this event, I said "I wasn't in the toilets, you are really stupid all, I had a stomach problem and I returned back home".
Finally they felt they were wrong, but I kept on mind the fact they spent a break making a fool on me.
The girl who hated me had Italian or corsican origins, she had black eyes, very dark, and I took long years for understanding why she hated me.
The reason of that :
When I started this new school (my parents moved too much) there was a boy, very funny, Italian origins, older than me, and i wanted to flirt with him, I told this to a pal, and of course he heard it, and everyone in this school heard it, a lot of girls used to hate me all school year long because a lot of girls had a crush on him.
I never flirted with him, but I know he was attracted to me, because the first time I met him he was going out of a class screaming "screw you'" to his teacher, and I laughed because it was a special situation. He smiled seeing me.
Sébastien repeated his school year and I was in his class room for italian language. Most of boys annoyed me and he was enough smart to tell to everybody I was in love with him. But one year after my humiliation, I felt stronger, and nothing could break me down.
In same time I spent my break time with another boy who looked very lovely, Christophe, and we used to talk together while the break. As he was not loved by people I was the one talking to him, and we used to laugh together.
I did understand, thinking of these facts, 3 years ago, that one girl repeated everything to the school students, she was my neighborg but she was jealous of me, I wasn't as fat as her, and my pal from drawing class wasn't a friend, but a jealous bitch too.
I repeated too for these reasons my last school year, and I met 2 girls which I spent all my year, going out, laughing, living as ever, boys were very pleasant with me, except a big one.
And I used my time helping students in Mathematic's or Sciences, I was the first one, at school and and I had success the diploma while the first year, I felt really cool on this year.
But the big one annoyed me all year long, I'll tell you later, this post is too longer ...