I'm still here !

Well mates, I hope everything is ok to you, life is difficult for everyone, but we have to live.
I have to tell you my news:
Last year was a fucking year of fucking bullshit news. I have met again my fucking homosexual daddy, wow, his wife looks like an old witch, red hair, wanna seem pleasant but she's a fucking psychopath bitch... He looks like an old homosexual man, I would say a metrosexual man who has never understood that there is a way to be, you can be bisexual, straight, or homosexual, but don't say you're straight if you don't think you are.
Well lets go, after a meeting with him, his cell phone (and his bitchwife on phone with a male voice) I have been on the Felicitas Villa ! ;-) Felicitas my ass !
They drink all day long, he smokes all day long. He does live with an homosexual and alcoholic man too...a funny life. He thinks he's a prof painter, ask him to draw your face, he won't do it. He doesn't know how to paint, because he uses things to copy pictures he can see on a wall. They are uninteresting. They are harmful.
I have met too an Australian guy, from FB, we have spents 5 days in Paris, it was deep.
Well I know there are some connections between the fact Fraser doesn't want to belong to me and the fact that I have stopped to see my Daddy, sweet daddy.
Fraser was not the right one. So no problem.

So I haven't been loved when I was born, by mother and father, first mother didn't love me and let me down. Then she abused me with food, and I used to spend the time on a chair, because she didn't want I could move, walk or anything else. She was scared I could fall on the floor, she was scared about my health because she has lost her brother at birth.
When I told my father about the nightmare I had, he didn't want to listen. He didn't mind, and didn't want to talk.
Such a bastard.


Well I don't want to hear about them anymore.


I'm sorry for this bad post, Hello Daddy ;-)

Lot of things have changed these last weeks. I mean I've changed but I still being angry.
I have read a weird Psychology book, it was very hurting but I've learnt a lot of things, I ignored.

I still missing my sweet tate, she was a wise and sweet dog, I can't forget her.

I miss my blog's pals too much, I haven't written for weeks, and I miss Karen, Michelle, Will, Geoffrey, Terence, Malcom, et cetera.

I have twisted my foot as ever, a fucking pain, coming back in a bus from mall.
My left foot looks like a football balloon now. In french we say often about someone who is annoying us "he's breaking my ass", but we talk about feet, so it would be "he's breaking my feet", I feel that my past is breaking my ass, and my foot shows as much it's hurting.
I can't wear dresses anymore, I can't go out, I just have to deal with Clint's whims and Laurent's naps. My life is funny....

Never heard compliments from parents

I have never heard a body's compliment from my parents . The first time I need a bra, she drove me to a mall and bought a bra (first price).
I didn't know what was a compliment, I knew at school I wasn't wise because I used to talk to my buddy beside me. Early I heard it wasn't good being talkative, and I was looking for images (gift to wise kids). But I stayed talkative.
One day we joined my uncle (D), who owned a house, and a buddy of my uncle said to my father "she's looking lovely Fran, she'll be a nice girl", Daddy stayed quiet as ever.
Later I was inside the house. My uncle obtained (I don't know how he got it !!!hmmm) a pack of clothes, and I tried to look for a shirt. Removing my tee shirt, my mother said "look her breast, she'll have same nipples as her grand-mother, it sucks", and my aunt said "yes she will, but those kind of breasts are the most beautiful". I watched her smiling, and my mother pursued "oh no, they are not too beautiful, and she still look like her fucking grandmother". I did trust my mother, so I said to myself "mom is right, I'll be ugly, and I'll have same breast as my fucking grand mother).
I used to see my father and mother naked, and I felt jealous of my mother's breast. She has italian origins, and I wanted to have same hair, as her, but nothing more.
My father's uncle told one day "Fran... is tall, she should go to Paris and be a dancer for Cabarets(Moulin Rouge, for exemple)". No one replied to this compliment.
But I did hear these compliments. It stayed quiet on mind, until 2004 when I realized I had a body.One day before their divorce, I heard from my mother "we are proud of you and your brother, because you're both smart", I didn't care, I wanted to hear "you look good", no she did not.
From 2003 most of my money is for my bras or dresses, I prefer wearing a nice dress than eating too much.

My identity

I have never heard about the fact my mother had sex with another man than my father. When my parents divorced, I didn't keep in touch with my mother who prefered going to Paris meeting my brother than staying with me (my first dog passed away while her divorce, he got an enormous tumor destroying his sinus and face.) . She said she loved the dog, but going to Paris was too much funny. We used to drive her all over the Provence region, and she didn't like staying with me. Once we went in a famous south of France's place, and when I saw her face, closed, no smile, I said "ok, we return back home, now, don't you prefer ?". In the car, she shaked my hand very strongly, it was a message "I can't love you, I try but I can't".
I had a puzzle on hands and I had to know the problem, not only the abuses. I was born with a lot of hump, my father doesn't have so many humps on him, my uncle does.
And the behavior of my father made me think there was a problem with my identity.
I mean they didn't pay my studies, they didn't care when I had a stroke. So why don't they love me ?
I have never killed someone, and I have never lied to them, until their divorce, I didn't understand.
One day, I remind perfectly, I was talking about headaches, and my mother said "your father too suffered of headache, when he was younger", some days after I talked about headaches to my father and he said "No I haven't suffered of headache".
Later he said "yes I have suffered of headache in past".
I was as much naive than I couldn't ask to myself some question, the fact that my father could be another man couldn't be on my mind. Why ? Because two of us look like each other.
My parents get married on 69 and I was born on 71. I have read letters of my mother to my father where she wrote "she hates D my uncle", it was on 68 69...So what did happen really ?
I guess she felt love in with him, because he was not as much rude as my father, he was more rich too, and more smart. They had sex on august, and she denied she was pregnant, she told me how much I have tried to kill her when I came on this planet ... I spent my childhood with the bad grand mother, I didn't stay in school for too long as early as I learnt to write and read french language. So I felt guilt. I learnt to hate my uncle, his wife and my cousins (step sister). My mother was cruel, telling me "you look like D, you're ugly""D looks like his mother, he's ugly, dirty, and a son of a bitch".
On 93 I met my grand mother to take a book. I met my cousin (step sister) I was with a friend of mine, and I was very confused to meet this little girl, who looked like myself when I was 7.
Now where I'm living I have a cousin a man of 36 years old, he's living near my flat 500m. I have met his mother who said only "Hello" to me and ran away like I was a ghost. I have tried to contact my cousin, but no way!
And we spent a lot of time together, he was my first crush.
I know I won't hear the truth, I can only deal with my intuition and facts (my uncle and mother talked to much both staying away from others...weird no ? She said she hates him, but she liked talking to him").DNA tests ? no way, I won't contact my uncle, they all we say that I'm mad.
So I'm proud of my humps.

For french people, there is a very good article in "Marie Claire", of July 2008, a personal story.

Marion my one true friend

I met her repeating my last class , honestly I met her to Paris when for the first time of my life, my parents allowed me to go there with school, we met each other on June 86, it was a trip with all classes, but hopefully, students who sucked weren't there except Sebastien.
We were in a bus, I stayed beside the one who told to everyone about my pants (cf my post about Wet), but I had plans, I didn't want to stay with her all trip long. When we arrived to Paris, there were people from Brazil, and french, (because of football) it's my best memory of humanity, because brazilians are more human than other people on this planet. Everyone laught, said "Hello", and I realized , that Sebastien was beside me in the bus and he left when I saw him.
When we joined the hotel, I had to share the bedroom with 2 girls I didn't like, so I spent a lot of time in the bathroom, because the bath was comfortable, and I took my time. When I joined the girls, a boy was runing in the hotel screaming because a girl wanted to kiss him and she had a knife in her hands. I laughed, because I couldn't believe it, people are often paranoid, and my "lovely" pal told me, "you'll be with this girl next year..." she was for once right.
I didn't like too much Marion because she was like glue with me, I believed she was lesbian.
We spent time both, visiting The Louvre museum. Paris is a wonderful town in France, for tourists :).
Then we returned back home 4 days later, my head full of life, smiles, fun, et cetera.
On september, I was with Marion in the same student class. And for the 86's picture she was beside me her hand on my shoulder.
Sophie was with us too, she was a silly girl, we shared a lot of things, we were a band in the class, I helped Marion and Sophie. They were my true friends!
For once in my life, I had real friends, Marion stayed often at home, her mother was rude, and she thought mine was better ... It wasn't important, because I liked her.
But on 87 my father was kick out of his job. And he stayed at home all days long, angry, drinking, and because he had friends he found a job in another place, so we moved to Digne.
Too sad, my friends stayed there, my parents sold their house, and we left.
I missed Marion so we shared letters, and I called her any weekend, because the cab phone closed to my grand parent's home was free. I swear, the cab phone helped me to keep contact with Marion, I called her for 2 or 3 hours with 1Franc (old french money=€ 1/7 ) .
It was always funny. but on 88 my grand-father passed away from cancer, and we moved again, joining Sisteron.
When we lived to Digne, I have met a lot of pals, I wasn't too much at home, because my mother was despressed and she was rude, one day she robed my books, I used to read too much and she took my books for their book case's.
I was again living a platonic love story with a boy who studying for being graduated, he was as much shy as me...so nothing happened ,
One time, on a party, I was watching him, we were dancing (not together) and another student, a gorgeous one, kissed my neck taking my hand for leaving with him, a buddy told me "go on", I said "no", because I was watching L, who was watching me. But I regreat it.
I kept Marion in touch, writing her, but when I moved to Sisteron, I changed, I was missing my grand-father, and I felt Marion lied to me, I knew she was as much mythomaniac as my brother, she lied more and more. We went to a discotheque both on the end of 89, and it was the last time we really met.
On 90's I wrote her, telling our friendship was over, I wrote a long letter, and I received her answer quickly, she was angry.
I returned living to Aix, for my studies, and some years later on 97 I met her in a mall she was a cashier, we didn't talk, but she recognized me. I found her on the white pages, I called her, and she told me her life, I didn't trust her anymore. We decided to meet again, but I called again her two days later, just to say "no I won't meet you again, I have changed, we can't be friend anymore". I know my behavior was stupid, but I was unemployed, alone most of the time, I have screwed up my studies because I had to work for paying these studies. And almost all, i didn't want to return in past.

But I must admit Marion was a good friend, my one best friend for years.

Sophie left the region and get married with a Parisian, I have never heard about her anymore.

Una giornata particulare

I don't know if most of you remind this old movie with Marcello Mastroianni, and Sofia Loren...Well This is not important, I have lived a particular day, on morning, I felt very nervous and despressed. As usual I took pills and Laurent told me things I had to hear . Indeed !

That was rude, but I realized I was screwing up my life with my guilt, and I have decided to stop pills FOREVER.
Well, I have to stop these pills with caution,

And I feel angry tonight, I wanna change,
If a victim reads this, Scream your pain, do not feel guilt, because you're not a sheep, we have to live...

Mother's birthday

On mother's birthday, my father asked me to buy the presents for my mother...you gonna laugh ; one year, he told me to buy some Roses and I bought a rose bush. I thought it was more interesting and beautiful to have a plant than some flowers that would die quickly.My friends from childhood were numerous, I prefered talking to boys, it's difficult when you're taller than a whole school class to have some female friends..I used to spend time with boys, I played Tennis and Football, now I can't watch anymore a football game, because I find this sport very stupid.
So my friend William, helped me and brought the rose bush, my mother was shocked and later I heard how much I was stupid, a rose bush couldn't grow up on a balcony...
Another year, my father asked me to buy 2 decorate plates for her birthday ...I went in Aix, alone, of course, and he had to drive me back at home, I just had to call him at work. And I had to wait his car around the Rotonde Fountain, I was 12 years old, I bought the plates, I felt glad for my mother, I took my money in my wallet offered by my grand father.
I went to a phone cab, and I called him, he told me he'll come later, because he had a lot of work.
I realized after few minutes that I have forgotten my wallet in the cab, I returned there but there were 2 girls laughing watching me because of my big teeth, I asked them if they had find my wallet, they said "No!" .
I didn't care of the money, but about my wallet because the one man who really loved me offered me a lot of presents anytime I met him and these gifts were really precious ...to me...
Then I joined my father later, hopefully a man in a shop gave me a water bottle, because I was thirsty, and my mother received her present, anyway she didn't mind about things I did choose (remind the rose bush !).

Fred didn't come last sunday

Martine is loosing her time on Facebook
This is a fake of my favourite readings when I was a kid.

He wrote on sunday just to tell how much he cried for his training, but I know he just tried to justify himself . He didn't tell that he was sorry to not come for going make some photographies.
Men are always scared when I have to meet them, or just talking online with them, they are rude, or coward, and I'm tired of that.
I don't like when Ken talks to me as I was obsessed by my father, he thinks I have an obsession as Freud described in his trash book's. I think he was drunk talking to me, or he did that because I'm scaring.I have been suffering of headaches for a week, Why do I feel so guilt ?
I like Facebook, but only for private messages.

I have talked to Michelle, and this is the first time I have talked to an American Woman on MSN, she's the most sensitive and smart woman I have met online.

My last doctor's consultation

I'm sorry she's as much stupid as Segolene Royal in France ! Viva Obama !
On last friday, I went to consult my doctor, of course she receives people without making an appointment. When we arrived there, there was a post it telling "I'll be here on 5 pm, it was 4pm, so we waited, and another woman arrived, she looked at us, sighing, and she couldn't stop to walk ...and another one came, with sun glasses, it was not raining but the sun wasn't here, I was watching as the little birds who were singing in the sky. The last one told us "Hello", so I answered "Hello", then on 5pm the doctor was coming, I watched how the others two were acting, we were the first to come, so I waited until her dogs and her entered in her house, and I followed her.
But this situation was weird, people don't speak together, people are invidualist, that is sad, but hopefully I have a big imagination, watching people who were walking in the village, I saw Hillary Clinton, Cecilia Sarkozy, and other V.I.P.
I'm in my own world without all these quiet people.

The bus driver

When I was 11, I used to take a bus between 12ham and 01h30pm for coming back home for the lunch. I liked it because I took the bus with people, and not with students of my school.
But with my victim face's, the driver asked me to count his money while he was driving, and not any persons asked him why he used me for that every day. And I couldn't say 'No' because I was scared. I was always afraid to take the bus because of this old pervert man, and I counted money quickly because I wanted to left and go with people.
Once, a bad girls band talked to me before the bus was stopping. They stole jewels in shops, and I didn't care about that, because I felt they were pleasant with me. The Bus came and the driver said "you you stay here, you know why". One of the girl said "do you know him ?" , I said "no, he just wants I counts his money", she said "stay with me". When he realized I was far away from him, he said "Oh come on", and the girl said "No she won't anymore, big pervert". These girls were really protecting me, I could find protection only with dropouts, but I didn't mind.I felt secure with them, and I loved their way to live. Hopefully I met them, they helped me to say "No" to the fucking people who wanted to abuse me.
Sweat Dreams....

Attacks of nerves

Yesterday when I mentionned I used to sleep all the time ; after that I had an attack of nerves, I felt angry and I don't know why, I took my pills and pills for headache, it helped me to cry and to sleep.
When Laurent brought me my meal, I ate it as I was a mouse and as I had no time to stay visible for too long.
I feel that the fact I ignore my identity, drives me to madness, I mean I wanna disappear.
But on afternoon I went to town, I was wearing my black and white dress, and I felt uncomfortable. Hopefully I meet my therapist next week.

Last week

I spent my week sleeping, morning, afternoon, nothing was interesting for me, nothing, I felt down because of the letter, then on friday, I started to cry, I needed it, because this is a way for me to forget.
But I feel sad, I'll be back later.
Forgive me, I think about you all.

Your subconscious is determined by

Autoprotection

Whether you know it or not: your subconscious rejects your emotional experiences. Come an emotional dike protection , your subconscious will help you maintain control. One reason could be your deepest fear is driven by your feelings. In response, your subconscious wants to protect you from unexpected and emotional ups and downs.

While this posture may be effective in certain situations, it may also explain it difficult for you to express your emotions or to accept them ...

This test is in french language ==>

Le test des taches d'encre de Tickle

She denied accept my letter

No it wasn't my grand mother who could do that, but MY MUM the one who had to care of me, because she had decide to have a child on 1971. Today the postman came bringing me my letter with the denied mention.
In this letter, there was just some words to explain I wasn't angry anymore, I could write I was pregnant, or anything else, she doesn't care.For sure, it was hard to her, hearing she has abused me with food, when I was a baby to provocate her father, and the fact she asked to her kids (brother and me) to sleep around our dad, who was naked in bed when I was 7 to 9 years old heads against his penis, while she was cleaning home.

She humiliated me from my childhood to 30 y old, telling I looked like my uncle who was so bad, telling me "you're a pig, you're lazy", "you're so ugly my poor girl", "don't stay here I don't want to see you", "you won't eat tonight because I have decided it".
She gave me pills when at 5 I had nightmares, nigthmares about my rape.
When at 7 and I wasn't at school, she used to go cleaning a house for customers bringing my brother with her, I had to stay at home, "you can't go out, don't make something in the kitchen, don't try to help because you're dirty, don't go out".....et cetera et cetera...

I can feel as an orphan, there is no hope, and I don't feel guilty to the things I have done in past, she'll suffer alone, with her regreats, this fucking old bitch.I'll never know who is my father, but I'm glad because I have written to this thing, to this bull shit.

I just wrote my mother

Only to tell her, I don't hate her, but I can't forget and find apologizes about the childhood I used to live.
I don't know if she'd answer, she's very proud, and she has never tried in 4 years to contact me.
I felt it was important to say that things changed, and that I'm more calm than before about my childhood and in my life.

About this subject I know Geoffrey likes Alice Miller's books, he should try to find Boris Cyrulnik's books, which are very interesting about trauma, and children.

I haven't posted for few days

I have an explanation, first, I felt again really sad because of Thaïs death, and even Clint cannot replace her.
But I had strange calls on my cell, with a private number, for a work people show their number, and as I have no friends around, I suspect it's my pervert father who got the number...
On my yahoo email, I don't use often, I received a mail like my name was my mother name.I know he's trying to manipulate me, and he doesn't want to leave me alone, trying to live without my parents.

I haven't been a good pal online and I'm sorry for that.
Above all, I don't meet again my therapist, she didn't help me, and my physiotherapist was right, telling me to not try to find a good therapist, I can work alone more quickly.

Second week end without my princess

Yesterday I felt despressed until the afternoon, today too I felt despressed on morning, but now I feel better.I only talk to one person on msn, I don't need more.
I'll make cute pic on afternoon, on spring, I love photographing flowers and insects.
I haven't heard from Miles for 2 weeks, he did love Thaïs, and I'm sure he'll be sad hearing she's died.
I haven't heard too about Michelle, I hope she does feel ok.
Chloe has a new life, she can go out and walk her dog, I'm happy, because I have learnt to appreciate her reading her blog.

The vet told me today

while I was paying his bill, that my Thaïs is on the freezer with other dead dogs, in a bag, and he forgot her collar, I want to get back it because it's a lovely collar, and she was so happy to wear this one.
But I couldn't accept, he told everything of the operation, that she had in the stomach a lot of water, et cetera.
He's bad, and I don't want to drive Clint there, Clint was sad, because he loves me already and I was crying coming back home.

On 2005, I met an ex boyfriend

I was online, on a past friends site, and I sent him a message, he replied and we started to talk on msn. Some days after I met him, it was strange because we flirted at lycée, I liked his face and his personality, but on 2005 he was very different, I'm taller than him, and his friends told him, I won't stay with him, I met Serge an astrolog, that introduced me into astrology, and Fred, his best friend, who was also his victim.
Eric was a metrosexual man, probably homosexual too, I loved to stay with him and his friends but outside I hated him. He wanted to marry me but I wasn't enough rich. On Serge's birthday, I accepted to sleep with him, but in the bed I didn't want to make love, he was furious and leaved the bedroom.
On morning, I asked him I wanted to return at home, and I supposed he'd drive me to bus (he does live to Marseille) but he drived me to my home. That was the end of our relationship, he couldn't understand why I didn't want to have sex with him.
We had explanations on msn I told him that I felt no secure with him, and that I didn't want to have sex, only for his pleasure.

He looks like my brother and father (both)... I couldn't and I have no regreat.

Narcissic, Yes I am

When I was a kid, I was lovely, until they gave me med for asthma and I was fat with big teeths, at school I used to play at football, or other sports but always with boys, I was tall. I kept one friend from 1977 to 1980, her name was Valerie, she was in my class, and I liked her too much, but school separated us, and I stayed with a boy from 80 to 82. At college (11 to 16 y old) I was alone, girls liked to annoy me ...until 86 when a girl band insulted me (they didn't know me but a pal of mine told us I wanted to flirt with a very attractive boy of school) "you should have my eyes, you should have my breast, you should be as smart as me, you should have long hair, et cetera.
I took revenge with some of them.
at "lycée" (86 to 89) I felt secure, but I stayed without girls around me, I liked talking to men, and only to men.
At university I was attractive, tall, slim, long hair, but I had a boyfriend.
School wasn't a good thing for me, I mean I liked studying, but I didn't like to be a sheep.


Go to ImageShack® to Create your own Slideshow
From 1995 (end of university) to 1997 I was fat, eating to much, I hated myself.
From 1998 to 2003, I was slim until I had my second stroke, I used med for headaches and I was getting fat again.
On 2003 my relatives divorced, and I cut the link with them, I cut my hair, I started to wear dress, to be really feminine, then I needed to take pictures of myself, I own a big album with good pictures of me...:)
That was my way to accept me, and to love myself.